Dedicated to Larry Niven.

In 2117 the inertialess drive was finally perfected. It had been tested in the Joint Space Exploration Vacuum Lab over a period of four years, years in which the research team had been dragged through devastating emotional lows and euphoric highs. The Consortium of Space Venturing Nations had contributed more than a trillion dollars in research funding to create the volume known, perhaps somewhat melodramatically, as “hypervacuum.” In the hundred cubic meters of the controlled facility, there was zero matter, or as the leader of the research unit more carefully put it, “Zero matter detectable to our instruments.” Even quantum fluctuations were suppressed within.
       If the experiment were successful, it would create a brutal explosion. For this reason, while the scientists controlled the experimental apparatus from Madrid, the hypervacuum chamber itself was located in extreme isolation at the North Pole.
       The vast resources committed to the project finally created the long-sought result: In the controlled facility, the inertial dampener was activated. As the rest of the team watched the monitors with bated breath, the team leader extended her finger and pushed a button. Thousands of miles away in the hypervacuum chamber, a fragile metal cylinder the size of a pencil moved forward and gently tapped the six-ton engine. An immeasurably short instant later the engine had smashed into the far wall of the chamber. No human eyes witnessed that; the violence of the ensuing explosion vaporized the video cameras instantly, along with the hypervacuum chamber and dozens of square miles of Arctic ice. The cameras showed only static, but satellite images of the pole conveyed the good news to the research team.
       With screams of joy they leapt to their feet! It worked! The engine’s inertial mass had been eliminated; there was no resistance to acceleration! A thousand-kiloton spaceship could be accelerated to just below lightspeed with a mere tap from a feather. Finally, the stars were within reach of the human race!
       After a couple of days of uproarious partying, the American members of the research unit had returned to the US to meet with the President. “Remind me what this does,” the President said. “I read the briefing a few weeks ago but I’m rather busy. What’s that thing about ‘suppressing inertial mass’?”
       A team member responded, “Basically, the object, um, doesn’t weigh anything. By suppressing inertial mass, the device allows us to accelerate any object, no matter how large, to just under lightspeed, with veritably zero energy input.”
       “And what is ‘just under lightspeed’?”
       “A few decades ago physicists discovered that time and space are quantal–”
       “Basically lumpy, right?” asked the President. “Not smooth.”
       “Exactly. So while matter can’t go at lightspeed, the quantal nature of space and time make it possible to have a speed of one quantal velocity unit below lightspeed.”
       “But what about Einstein?” the President asked. “I thought the briefing said…”
       “Einstein’s equations, it turns out, are only continuous approximations to the discrete reality.”
       “Ah, of course.”
       A few years later the first starship had been constructed in orbit. A new inertialess engine was installed. Video cameras outside the ship were arrayed to convey the momentous event to Earth. A theoretical physicist whose work had been crucial to the project had been granted the right to launch the ship. He floated near it in a spacesuit, linked by radio to the crew within. A hopeful planet stared at innumerable TV and computer screens, waiting for the dream of centuries to finally be realized.
       In the ship’s control room, the captain gave the order.
       The engineer engaged the drive.
       Outside the ship, the scientist reached out and tapped the hull.
       Nothing happened, except an annoying vibration throughout the vessel.
       Furious double-checking of the engine. No problems detected.
       “Oh, man, I just thought of something,” said the engineer.
       “What?” asked the Captain.
       “Well, this engine effectively makes the ship massless, right? So even the slightest contact with any other object, no matter how small, will provide the highest possible acceleration…”
       “Obviously. That’s why we should be headed to Proxima Centauri at just under lightspeed right now.”
       “Right, Captain,” said the engineer. “It’s just that space isn’t actually space. It contains about one randomly darting hydrogen atom per cubic meter.”
       “Oh fuck,” said the captain.

* * * * * * * * *

Notes:

1) If you’re not familiar with the good ole “inertialess drive” from various past science fiction works, suffice it to say that one of the classic workarounds to the vast distances between stars wouldn’t work, even taken on its own terms.
2) Dedicated to Larry Niven because Niven’s Laws for Writers includes “Stories to end all stories on a given topic, don’t.” Heh.
3) I don’t know how much energy a six-ton mass colliding with a solid object at “just under lightspeed” would actually have. Enough to vaporize the Earth, for all I know. But that would ruin the fun. Or anyway, that’s a different kind of SF story. In any case, tapping a million-ton starship with a feather and having it zip off at the speed of light would violate physical conservation principles – like, ya know, the conservation of energy – up the wazoo.

In early drafts of The War of the First Day the heroine, Lilta, got a mini-tutorial on seducing a man from her mistress. I distilled the mistress’s advice from real-world experience (ah, one’s twenties) and I thought I’d elaborate on it here. While most women seem to just instinctively know this (how do y’all do that, anyway? Are you hooked into some cosmic Female Wikipedia or something?), some nerdlinger chicks could use a little help. What follows is the deleted scene, and then an elaboration for real-world practice.

I started to speak, then hesitated.
      “Is there something else, Lilta?”
      Abstinence was becoming unendurable. “Mistress, I need physical…um…”
      “I understand; take a lover then. You may go to Taxis for twenty days. A month would be better for you, of course, but even with the lull in fighting I can’t spare you that long. Remember what I taught you about preventing a child from being conceived.”
      “Do women get lost to Taxis when they do this?”
      “That occasionally happens. Almost all of them come back eventually. I am not worried that it will happen to you.”
     “The last time it was the man who did the pursuing, and I don’t know if I understand men well enough to…How does one…?”
      Again she understood. “The art of seduction can be learned; one needn’t be born with the instinct. Most importantly, dismiss those who say that seduction involves a straightforward approach. You should not frankly state your intentions to a man; that removes all the tension. Tension is necessary because without it there is nothing to be released by fucking. That means there will be no desire, and so no fucking.”
      My face was hot at this exceedingly direct speech. She noticed. Amused, she said, “You would prefer a more delicate formulation? When you decide to…couple with a man speak with him about any topic other than that. Place a hand on his arm or shoulder. This will make him wonder if you are beginning to seduce him. Let him wonder for a while.
      “After that there are few steps to coupling. When enough time has gone by–use your judgment–contrive to have the two of you withdraw to a place where you won’t be interrupted. If he doesn’t suggest this, you should. The thinnest of pretexts will do, if he desires you. When you are alone, wait. You are waiting for him to make the first overt advance.”
      “You mean attempting the first kiss?”
      “It is usually that, although it needn’t be. In any case, you should not make the first move. You want a man, not a coward. If he is too timid to risk being rebuffed, he is not good enough for you, or for any woman. If he is bold…well, then.”
      “Your instruction is relentlessly pragmatic, as always, mistress.”
      “You are welcome, Lilta. Now off you go, and don’t return until you are so well serviced that you can hardly walk.”
      “Arlu! Good-bye, mistress!”

The scene had to be removed for pacing and other reasons, but I’ve always had a certain affection for it. Writing it didn’t require intense mental effort, basically just recalling episodes from my twenties and turning the viewpoint around. Thinking about it more carefully after the scene was written, I realized that women’s seduction of men (when they want to be more subtle than getting wasted and grinding their ass against your crotch on the dance floor – not that I have any objections to that) generally falls into a particular pattern.

The pattern in a moment, but a final note first, ladies: This is the Real Deal. It is not casual flirting. This is the sequence of steps to follow if you really do want to be on your back with your heels in the air later that evening.

Here’s the pattern:

Talk, touch, isolate, wait.

Talk: Start a conversation with the man about any subject. It doesn’t matter what, nor need you seem witty.

Touch: Put a hand on his arm or shoulder as you talk to him. Keep eye contact here (I’m erring on the side of belaboring the obvious). This will make him wonder if you are trying to seduce him. Let him wonder for a while. (It’s good to get him thinking about it early on; that way it won’t seem weirdly abrupt when you get more overt later. If he’s a typical dude he’ll be willing to overlook the weirdness, but ideally, whether you’re a chick seducing a dude or vice-versa, the process is graceful, fluid.)

Isolate: After enough time has gone by – it could be anything from minutes to hours, depending on various factors; use your judgment – suggest that the two of you withdraw to a private situation. Note to geek chicks: You don’t say “Let us now withdraw to a private situation.” Don’t be a dork. Just come up with some pretext. It doesn’t matter what, because if he wants you, he’ll say Cool no matter how tissue-thin the pretext is, and if he doesn’t want you he’ll say No thanks in any case. So just say, e.g., “It’s so noisy here; let’s go back to my place where we can hear each other talk.” Or you could say, “Oh, you like that band? I love that band! I’m in the mood to hear their song Fuck the daylights out of me, stud. Let’s go back to my place and listen to it.” Or: “I have some better wine than this at my place; would you like to come back with me and open a bottle?” It helps to actually have the wine if you’re going to use this, but it’s not mandatory. (Inexperienced women might wonder about the wine not actually being necessary. Won’t you be exposed if you have no wine back at your place? Ha! Silly girl, this is seduction, not wine sales. The guy doesn’t give a damn about the wine any more than you do. So when you get back to your place, just do a fake search for the wine, then slap your forehead and say, “Oh, right, I forgot that bottle was finished last week.” Or whatever. Believe me, you can improvise any old BS, because of course neither of you is actually thinking about the wine.) Or: (Looking out the window.) “It’s a really clear night. I’ll bet the stars are beautiful.” If he doesn’t suggest that the two of you get out of there and go look at the stars, then you should.

The basic point is that your pretext doesn’t have to be particularly convincing. Indeed, it might be better if it’s transparently just an excuse to get the two of you alone together, because then he can guess what you’re thinking. Nor need you deliver your line with verisimilitude that would pass muster in an acting class. Just go ahead and say it in a flat, blatantly pre-scripted monotone. It doesn’t matter! …because you’re not trying to convince him that you actually care about the wine or the band or the stars or whatever; you’re just trying to provide an excuse for the two of you to get out of there together.

Why can’t you just say, “Let’s go back to my place and fool around”? It has been done, actually, but it’s not optimal, for three reasons. First, what if it’s a twenty minute walk back to your place? If you’ve explicitly put fooling around out there, that’s gonna be a hell of an awkward walk. Second (I originally wrote “Sexcond,” which must be the Best! Freudian! Typo! Ever!), if you leave a little bit of doubt it builds up the tension, which makes everything more exciting and fun for everyone. Third, you want a man, not a wussy. Make him display his balls by making a move when he’s not 100% sure whether you want him to or not. By the way, I can assure you of two things: (1) While making a pass in this situation is nerve-wracking for the guy when he’s like thirteen and inexperienced, it’s good for his self-confidence to force himself to just do it. (2) When a man is experienced, the only thing that gets his pulse rate above 70 beats per minute when making a pass is not being 100% sure how the girl will react. This takes me to…

Wait: Wait for him to make the first overt move, which is typically going for the first kiss. You want him to prove that he has the balls to risk rejection. This is one of the burdens that we men have to bear, just as there are certain burdens that you women have to bear. Would you want to fool around with a guy who didn’t have the cojones to do it? I didn’t think so.
Note: A really experienced man might even make you wait for his move, knowing that you want him to go for it and deliberately driving you a little crazy waiting for it. This is one of the fun things about being a man who’s experienced and self-confident. Heh. Suffer, babe!

Step five: You know what step five is, you dirty girl!

Seduction for Girls, Part 2

In Lev Grossman’s The Magicians the protagonists come across a water nymph or naiad or whatever in a river. The naiad says she cannot leave the river. Since she is a supernatural entity, she is presumably immortal or very long-lived. Thus, she is very bounded in space, but not in time. Humans are bounded in time but much less so in space.
Which is better?
And doesn’t thinking about it make you want to travel more!?

Who’s the man behind the mysterious mask? An interview with the Emperor’s right-hand man Darth Vader, page 16

When Darth Vader arrived on Coruscant for the first time as a ten-year old boy, it took his breath away. “I had never imagined in my wildest dreams anything remotely like it,” the Emperor’s right-hand man told our reporter in a recent interview. “The lights, the sounds, the species from all over the galaxy, the sheer size of the buildings—it all combined to literally knock me speechless!”

He had little time to see the sights; a Jedi apprentice, he was immediately immersed in the rigorous training of the order. “The Jedi was your life while you were in it,” Vader explains. “There was very little time for extracurricular activities.” As a six-year-old, he had been recognized by the Jedi as a youth of impressive potential and they recruited him aggressively. They even made an exception to a long-standing Jedi rule just for him: Normally, six years is too old to begin Jedi training, but so impressed were the top Jedi that they decided to admit young Vader. “It was very flattering,” he says, “but also a little overwhelming. You ask yourself, ‘Am I good enough? Will I live up to the faith all these people have in me?’”

The answer was yes, and then some. Darth Vader quickly displayed outstanding talent in the Force, which according to Jedi tradition is what gives them their fighting skills, and he mastered the lore, the fighting techniques, and the code of the order. When the Clone Wars broke out he fought with distinction, making the difference in several key engagements between the Imperial Army and secessionist forces. “We won some battles due to Lord Vader’s presence,” says an Imperial officer who fought alongside him in several engagements. Vader soon was recognized as a superb tactician, strategist, and fighter pilot. “He’s not just among the best pilots,” says the officer, “he’s the best.”

————————————————–
Darth Vader: Fast Facts

Title: Formally, he is Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith. Normally one would address him as Lord Vader.
Rank: Special assignment, reporting directly to the Emperor.
Bio: Details must be closely guarded to prevent Jedi assassination attempts.
The Sith: An order of Force-sensitive individuals like the Jedi. The Sith believe one should humbly accept the Force in all its aspects, instead of arrogantly trying to judge that some aspects of it are “good” and some are “bad,” as the Jedi did.
————————————————–

Emperor Palpatine, always quick to notice and encourage exceptional talent, took the youth under his wing and became Vader’s trusted mentor. And late in the War, Lord Vader became the youngest Jedi ever admitted to the Jedi Council, the group of senior Jedi who headed up the order.

But all was not well. Vader began to have doubts about the Jedi when he realized they were focused more on increasing their own power than protecting the defenseless. “I didn’t realize it all at once,” he says. “It was an incident here, an incident there. It built up over time.” The Jedi resisted any oversight from neutral third parties, interfering with or outright refusing Emperor (then-Chancellor) Palpatine’s attempts to bring them on board the democratic process. Lord Vader explains, “The Chancellor wanted me to be the Senate’s representative in the Jedi Council. The Jedis’ response to that was to ask me to spy on the Chancellor for them!” Vader’s conscience wouldn’t let him, and he warned the Chancellor about the Jedis’ increasingly aggressive attempts to amass power. And he reluctantly began to consider the possibility of resigning from the Jedi.

But even Lord Vader and the Emperor didn’t realize just how vicious the Jedi could be until the Jedi tried to assassinate the Emperor. A particularly dangerous Jedi Master named Mace Windu was tasked with killing the leader of the galaxy. Vader, who witnessed the whole thing, recalls what happened: “They [the Jedi] actually brought me in on their plan. Apparently it didn’t occur to them that I might find it morally wrong to kill the leader of the Galaxy! So I was in the room when Windu tried to assassinate the Emperor. He had his lightsaber inches from the Emperor’s face!” With the leader of the galaxy moments from death, Vader instinctively shoved the menacing Jedi away from the Emperor. Still snarling with hatred, the would-be assassin fell out a window to his death.

Vader has no regrets. “The only reason the window was open to the air was that he [Windu] shattered it when he swung his lightsaber at the Emperor. If he hadn’t tried to kill the Emperor he would still be alive.” He pauses and then adds, “It’s bad enough to be obsessed with power. But when you try to take advantage of the strife and chaos of a civil war to increase your own power, well, that’s just over the line.”

The assassination attempt was the last straw. From that moment Vader realized he could no longer in good conscience remain a Jedi, and he broke with the order. “It was a real eye-opener,” he says.
*****************************************************
So who is this mysterious former Jedi Knight hidden behind the confining mask? That must remain a closely guarded secret, and here’s why.

The Jedi were furious at Vader for foiling their assassination attempt and in revenge they sent a new assassin to kill him, as well as another assassin to attack the Emperor. Both of the intended victims escaped alive, but Lord Vader was badly wounded in the fight with his assassin. The wounds inflicted by the vicious Jedi included damage to Vader’s lungs, necessitating a special breathing apparatus of which the mask is a part. But the mask has a silver lining, in that it shields his identity from remaining Jedi who might have been away from Coruscant when events unfolded and so don’t know who Vader is. “It’s a way of making it harder for them to get to me,” he explains.

Lord Vader admits that it can be a burden. “It definitely can be frustrating at times because it cuts you off from human contact. I’ve always been a guy who likes to look people in the eye, you know, make that connection. But now it often feels like there’s a barrier there.” When you’re a people person like Darth Vader, it’s especially grueling.

But he’s still upbeat: “There’s a lot to be happy about. Hey, the good guys won the war and we held the Galactic government together. Ultimately, the Jedis’ assassination attempts and efforts to take over failed. The Galaxy went through a rough patch in the last few years, but in a lot of ways we’re stronger for it.”

In one last act of vindictiveness the Jedi planted rumors against Vader as they fled Imperial police forces. “I’ve heard all kinds of things,” he recounts. “I’ve heard people say that I’m really a secessionist spy, that I killed younglings, that I tried to kill the Jedi who was sent to kill me, that he was just fighting in self-defense. And when they’re not saying stuff like that they’re trying to make me look ridiculous. One rumor I’ve heard is that I wear the mask just because I’m so darned ugly!”

————————————————–
Darth Vader: Myth vs. Reality

• Was formerly a Jedi Knight. Status: True.
• Fought with distinction in the Clone Wars. Status: True.
• Took part in a “Jedi purge” in which many Jedi were massacred in cold blood. Status: Myth. Almost all Jedi fled justice or were arrested, tried, and jailed. A few were killed resisting arrest, and this eventually gave rise to a rumor about a “purge.”
• Is Emperor Palpatine’s right-hand man. Status: True. “Lord Vader is an extremely capable man, and the Empire is lucky to have him,” the Emperor has said.
• Saved the Emperor from a Jedi assassination attempt. Status: True.
• Was the intended victim of an assassination attempt by his own former Jedi master, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Status: True. Kenobi remains at large and should be considered extremely dangerous. If you know of his whereabouts, do not attempt to apprehend him yourself. Notify the local Imperial authorities.
• On the Emperor’s orders, slaughtered unarmed Trade Federation members near the end of the Clone Wars. Status: Myth.
————————————————–

Do these nasty rumors bother him? “Not really,” he says philosophically. “In the long run I think this sort of thing will hurt them more than it hurts me.” What about the story that Imperial forces murdered innocent Jedi in cold blood? “That’s a total lie!” he exclaims. “First of all, there were no innocent Jedi; they were all in on the plotting. And secondly, a few were killed resisting arrest by Imperial police forces. The Jedi who didn’t resist arrest were unharmed. They were put in protective custody and they all got fair trials.”

“But I’d like to add something,” he continues. “I don’t mind so much when people spread these rumors about me; it just bounces off. But the Imperial troops who arrested the Jedi are brave and competent professionals. The Jedi can be very dangerous fighters, believe me; I know! The troops that pursued them were risking life and limb. It really bothers me when the fairness and professionalism of our boys are called into question like that.”

So does he harbor resentment against the Jedi? Not really; while he’ll be pleased to see them brought to justice he’s not handling that matter, leaving it up to Imperial police instead. “Basically,” he says, “I’m too busy to worry about things like that. We’ve got secessionist holdouts in a few places to mop up, the Emperor has plans to reorganize the Senate to make it more streamlined and efficient, and there’s an advanced new defense installation the Emperor has commissioned to make the Galaxy secure against future attempts at destructive civil war.

“Hey, it’s a big galaxy, and we’ve got an Empire to build!” ■

Comment: It’s appalling how easy it is to write this tripe: The opening paragraph with the “gosh-wow” reaction to the big city; the humble “I wonder if I’ll live up to their expectations,” the casual dismissal of “rumors” against oneself combined with noble defense of others when “rumors” are set against them, the combination of truth, half-truth, and outright lies. The good news about this sort of fluff piece is that it’s obvious that it’s tripe (one hopes).
My favorite line: “When you’re a people person like Darth Vader…”

(With apologies to Mark Twain.)

Blooming molybdenums dotted the the field that gently fell away to the shore. Above, a spandrel circled, catching heliotropes on the wing. To the west a herd of brunts grazed, the young hillocks gamboling playfully about the adults. On the porch near me a girl plucked at a five-string zephyr, playing in a corinthian scale with strangely sweet dissonances.

Such a great start, but I just can’t come up with a second paragraph that does justice to the first. Sigh…

In Illuminatus, Shea and Wilson divided the world into cool people and wussies, or as they put it, neophiles and neophobes. Greek roots, people: neophobe means “total wuss”, or, as a Greek teacher would put it, “one who fears the new.” “Neophile” means “stone-cold stud hombre,” or as a Greek teacher would put it, “one who loves the new.” As one of the characters in that great work of literary genius put it—I’m paraphrasing—“We neophiles seek out and embrace new ideas. Ninety percent of the things we try are mistakes, but we move so fast our mistakes never catch up with us. And the other ten percent is responsible for all the progress that has ever happened on this rock.”

Extreme examples of neophobes: Fidel Castro, who proudly boasted on his 75th birthday or thereabouts that he still believed exactly what he believed when he was twenty. Jerry Falwell. Etc. Best example of a neophile that I can think of up the top of my head: Phoebe from Friends: Weird, unconventional, unintentionally messes with your head. Your chance of predicting what she’ll say or do next is the same as the chance that Jabba the Hutt will become a spokesbeing for Slim-Fast. Another good one: Camille Paglia. Completely undoctrinaire, allies herself with no pre-existing political or intellectual movement.

The best intellectual: A neophile disciplined by logic.

In fact, it doesn’t just rule, dude: It subsumes.

New permanent page added; see the link near the top of the page or click here.

I went all of November without posting anything. Now it’s December. Update: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are still dead.

From Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead:

We’re more of the love, blood and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can’t do you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They’re all blood, you see.

End quote.

How you doin’? You’re lookin’ real good, oh yeah.

You’d look better with spike heels, though. I’m just sayin’.